3 years ago today

This day 3 years ago I was blessed to bring home my wonderful son.  I can hardly believe that it has been 3 years already.  He has brought so much joy to our house.  He has made me laugh and made me smile more times than I could possibly remember. 

Before Little D I only knew what girls were like.  I have learn so much about the male brain in the past 3 years.  This is not something bad it is definitely something good.  Watching a boy allows you to see how the male brain works.  He is so smart and full of energy.  He already knows what to say so as to not get in as much trouble with his mom and sister. 

3 years and 5 weeks ago life was not this happy.  I was told after 8 months that D would not be coming home with me.  I had no idea how my life would look.  I was leaving a hospital and having to leave my son behind.  I could not understand why God would give me such a great gift and in minutes take it away.  I left the hospital that night crushed, broken, and very confused. 

God asked me to do some very hard things for 5 weeks after his birth.  I did not do all of them with a grateful heart but I was obedient.  Sometime this obedience did not come immediately but it did come.  The last thing was the hardest but I did it.  I had to convince my husband that it was the right thing.  He did as I asked but did not agree with what I was asking.  I explained to him that this was something God was telling me to do. 

It was at this time that I had David go down below our house and get all the stuff we had purchase for our son.  I than packed up all the stuff gave it to someone to give to D's Bio mom.  I stuck a note in the bag letting her know that I loved her and that I had always wanted the best for her.  I explained that I hoped one day she would come to know the love of Christ.  There is were I left it.  I did not even know what his name was or how much he weighted or how tall he was.  It hurt everyday and everyday I felt my Savior close as He helped me heal.  

5 weeks later I received a call asking the question "did I mean what I said in the letter"?  I thought that this was going to be where God was going to have me lead the person who had hurt me the worst 5 weeks ago to Christ.  I can remember thinking why me?  I know that this is not the most spiritual thing I have ever thought but I was still grieving.  The question was not about Christ this time but was about my son.  He would have been my son until the day I died.  She was asking me to please come and get him. 

There are many details that I will not talk about here on this blog because if my son ever reads this blog I want him to know that a mom gave birth to him on March 28th 2004 and that she loved him so much that she allowed me to be his mom on May 8th, 2004.  She gave me the greatest gift she could possibly had given me and to D.  I know that what she did was hard but a few days ago I received a note from her saying:

"I've never really told you how trully blessed I feel that Darius and Cynthia have you for a mother.  You love them sooo much. You are the one that was meant for them. You were the mom they deserved to have and I'm so proud to say that I dont have any at all regretts in the decision but happiness. Thank you so much for being the best mother to them and the ___________ to me I love you so much Monica if it wasnt for you i trully would be lost. I love you, _____________."

I can't tell you how much this email meant to me.  I always wanted what was best for everyone this included her.  I still want what's best for everyone especially my son but to know that she is doing ok means the world to me.   

3 years ago I got a great gift and I will live everyday grateful for that gift.  I love you D with all my heart and "J" I will forever have a special place for you... ALWAYS and FOREVER.

Home Sweet Home/ Friday

At about 8am the doctor came into my hospital room and asked how I was feeling and if I wanted to go home today.  I did not care about how I was feeling but I knew that I wanted to go home.  I had been wanting to go home since yesterday.  I realize today that it was a good thing  I did not come home yesterday I really was not ready.  Although it was tough today was much better.

I had my staples taked out before I we went home.  They had to use some strips because there was a place that was no totally healed yet.  The nurse looked over at David and told him to watch closely so he could put the stripes on if he had to at home, David does a lot of things but I'm not sure he will be up to that.  :)

I am so glad to be home.  I'm looking forward to not being woke up every 2 hours for someone to take my blood presure and check to see if I went to the bathroom or not.  The only thing I wish I had was a bed that when I pushed a button would go up adn down.  It would make it so I did not stretch things that I don't want stretched.

Today I'm so thankful for so many things:

• that I have the best husband a women could ever ask for.  David has been so by myside every minute he could.  I am so blessed to have him
• that i have been able to not take as much percicet.  I don't like the medicain that makes me feel weird.  I have been able to take the Ibuprophen to manage my pain.  I'm so grateful that it is working so well for me
• I'm thankful that my mother-in-law is not the typical mother-in-law that many people joke about.  I'm so lucky to have her here with me to help me when I need it the most right now
• I'm thankful for another great meal provided by someone who cares for my famiy.  I did not want to ask for people to bring us meals because i hate for people to be inconvienced by me.  I'm so grateful that I'm letting people help us.  It is a blessing to see how people care. 
• I'm so grateful to have daughters that are willing to help out with the house and little kids.  Lakeisha has especially been such an extra help.  She know exactly how I like things and has made sure to keep those thing up and done.  I have the best girls ever.
• Most of all I'm thankful for my health.  Although I'm not feeling very well, I'm thankful that God has been watching over me and taking care of me during these past few days.  

Thursday Afternoon/Evening

So I'm making a great effort to not use this blog right now as a place to whine, complain, or tell you about all the things that are not working in my schedule.  The Doctor has informed me that I need to not expect things to run on a schedule right now.  Interesting thought but this lady has no idea how my schedule keeps me sane.  Anyway the good things of my day..

• My husband has been right by my side all day doing everything I need and more
• I was able to get up and walk around and felt good afterwards
• 4 of 5 of my kids came up to the hospital to visit me, and although they are out of their schedule and extremely whiney I enjoyed every minute with them
• A good friend came to visit me and brought with her some beautiful flower which I'm loving
• The same great friend from above also brought my family food and loved on my kids while she was there...that means so much to me
• I was able to put my own pj's on instead of a hospital gown

I am still in a lot of pain but I know that soon this will pass and I will be feeling better than I have in years.  I'm so ready to start feeling better but until than I will take it minute by minute until I can soon take it day by day. 

Thursday Morning

Well its been 2 days now since the surgery and I'm doing ok.  I am very tierd and my blood presure is not returning to normal like it should.  The medicain they are giving me makes me feel out of it.  I want to take as little of it as I can but the pain is so much that I end up giving in. 

My husband has been a rock, I expected nothing less. He has slept very little and has been by my side holding my hand since I came out of recovery.   I finally sent him home for a couple of hours today to allow our children to see him. 

 I have been on oxygen since I woke up to help with the dizzyness.  My hope is to go home today, but that will depend on the bood presure stuff. 

I miss my kids and I miss walking normal.  I hope to get home soon and I continue my healing there. 

Surgery Tomorrow

 Well, I'm having surgery tomorrow and I'm a lot anxious.  I'm praying for surgery to be fast and recovery to be quick but we will have to see.  I will keep you up to date with the recovery process if I can.  

So for now I'm going to snuggle with my best friend, love of my life, husband and enjoy the rest of my night. :)

Heart Stopping Fall

I'm finally able to talk about a fall that happened on Sunday.  My heart has not truly slowed down yet but I'm feeling a little better today so I can talk about it.  I did not have any bad dreams last night so I think we are moving past our Sunday event.  

We went over to some friends house after church on Sunday.  We have not hung out for a long time so the whole family was excited to go over.  We don't go to peoples house to often due to a 1 1/2 year old girl and a 3 year old boy, enough said. 

Anyway we went over and played a game, ate some dinner, and just enjoyed sometime with friends.  About half way through our game the Cynthia was standing over by the stairs turning on and off a light that lead downstairs. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a look in my sons eyes that I have seen before.  It is the look of "I wonder what would happen if".  I knew at that very moment that there was trouble.  

By the time my mind caught up with my reflexes my son had push my daughter down a flight of stairs, 14 stairs in all.  14 very long stairs with tile at the bottom of them.  I got up quick but by the time I got to the stairs Cynthia was at the bottom on her back.  I ran to her expecting something bad.  I did not know what I may find but I knew that it was not going to be good.  

By the time I got to the bottom of the stairs I was calmer than I though I would ever be in this situation.  I tried not to pick her up but she grasped my neck so hard that I had no choice.  I picked her up slowly and sat her on a cabinet so I could look her over.  After examining her from top to bottom I could not find anything outwardly wrong.  My heart went to internal stuff.  I watched her like a hawk for the rest of the night and even  the next day.  I just could not get the fall out of my mind.

The truth is I could not get the fact that my daughter had not fallen by herself, her brother had pushed her.  I was so mad at him.  I know he is 3 but it was hard to be ok with it.  I love him dearly but not more or less than his sister.  It was hard for me to know that he had pushed her.  It would have been easier for me if she had just fallen.  Nope she got a push....some momentum.  

I am deathly afraid of heights.  I moved my office upstairs at the church building and I had dreams for almost a month about my kids falling over.  I found a chair outside my door and I had dreams that they got up on the chair to look over and fallen over.  In my dream I am down below and always trying to catch them...which I never did.  So I say this for one reason.  I finally slept through the night last night without dreaming of my daughter falling down the stairs.  

The great news is that Cynthia is doing great.  She has been acting fine and seems to not have been affected by the fall at all.  She ended up with a small rug burn over her eye, one on her knee, and a small scratch on her back.  Other than those small things she has been fine.  God's protection was seen on Sunday and we were and are extremely grateful.  

On the happier side of the day...Darius walked into the our friends house without say "I don't like this house"  which he has done in the pass.  

Snow Day

I have lived here in Colorado Springs almost all my life.  I never grow tired of the spring storms.  I love when the thick heavy snow that comes, closes everything, and then melts by evening.  I had bible study, and a doctors appointment so I was out driving in it  a lot.  That part I can assure you was not fun.  David got to work and took the picture below, however it snow about 4 more hours more after this picture was taken.  

Help me understand Lord

So we got a phone call last night telling us that a friend of Jelissas brother had committed suicide.  He was only Keisha age.  My heart has been broke all day long.  There are times in my life that I just don't get it.  

Obviously I don't know what might have been going through this young man mind, what could have been so bad that he would think that there was no where else for him to turn.

 Oh this world.  Things can be so hard.  My mind has wondered off to what this young mother must be going through right now.  What does a mother do or say when her 17 year old boy decides there is nothing to live for.  How does se comfort her only living daughter when she herself does not understand.  Can she have enough to give away when she is feeling so empty.  Lord, let it be you that she draws her strength from.  Give her exactly what she needs in this time when she has no idea what that is.  

  

I have no idea if the family are believer, I know Jelissa's friend, the daughter is.  Do they know the love of Christ tonight?  Are they leaning into Him when life is giving them no where else to lean tonight.  If they do not know you Lord I pray that tonight....this very moment that they find you.  

Lord I pray that this family is feeling you everywhere they turn.  I know that you are holding every tear that is falling I pray that you hold them even tighter.  

Father God, give me your eyes for just on second, give me your eyes so that I may see, Lord sometimes I don't understand, help me understand and when I don't help me to trust in you.   

 

Willow Creek Leadership Summit: A Thousand Questions

Adoption

You think you know a lot about the subject when you're reading books and thinking about the process.  What I'm finding out is I know very little.  My plan:  to love my kids with all my heart, be honest with them everyday, and let God direct my path.  

I know they will have so many question.

Why did my mom not keep me?

Why did she keep her?

Did she love me?

Did he love me?

I want what is best for them.  I want them to be happy.  I want them to feel loved to feel secure in who they are...who they are in Christ.  

I want them to know that we will never leave them, but more importantly that GOD will never leave them nor forsake them.  

Oh, it seems so easy, but really it's a lot more complicated then it seems.  

Lord help me say and do the right thing.    

Wedding Pictures

So, I truly did love my wedding.  David and I decided to have our wedding at Sunnyside Church, since this is where we were both attending, and I worked in the children's department, so it was free.  Free is very good.  We talked for hours about our wedding and what it would be like and decided to put more money into our honeymoon instead of the wedding.  

I still stand by this decision....some

The one thing that I regret the very most is that we did not hire someone to take pictures or video our wedding professionally.  When I started to ask around this was a cost at the time I did not want to have (800-1200 is best spent on a cruise).  I still agree :)

Starting our marriage with 3 beautiful daughters we figured that it would cost us more than we could afford to go on a cruise and be gone from home over 10 days with 5 people.  We needed to take our time than and go.  

I did have someone take snapshots at our wedding.  Bless her for doing it.  The pictures are not the best.  The lighting is not the best.  The people did not do what they should have been doing, but we have some pictures.  

The funny, well not so funny, thing is that the pictures are still on a disk.  I have finally downloaded them onto my computer and plan to send off for prints.  

I would like to see if I can fix them a little, so if anyone has some ideas....let me know.  

So without delay I show you the first picture, to be shown to the public taken at our wedding. 

Thank You

It's amazing the things that can just make my day wonderful.  I'm amazed by you and what you do to make me feel like I'm important.  You take time out of your day to call me to just say "I love you".  You text me to say "Thanks you for making the bed today".  The simple things you do make me smile.  The things you do make the small things I do seem so worth while.  

It makes me so happy to know that you appreciate the things that I do.  Thanks so much for taking time to tell me that the little things I do for you mean so much.  You mean more to me than you will ever know.  I long to do the things that make you happy.  

David you are the love of my life.  You mean more to me than you will ever know.  Thank you for being you.  

Ice Cream @ BJ's

Nothing beats yard work and than BJ's ice cream on a 73 degree Sunday evening.  And yes this is what we had for dinner....even better!!!

Yep it's Saturday

Today was such a great relaxing day.  We went to a birthday party this morning, nap this afternoon, yard stuff this evening, kids outside playing most of the day, husband doing things around the house.....great Saturday.  I'm getting excited about summer.  We enjoy many days and nights outside during the summer.  

I'm ready for worship tomorrow and time with my church family.    

To homeschool or not to homeschool that is the question????

I have wondered for the past 3 years whether I would be homeschooling the little kids.  I felt that God called me many many moons ago to homeschool the girls but I had not felt the call with the Darius and Cynthia.  I know why I pulled the girls out and I know that when He called me to homeschool my girls I went to it 100%.  I have been waiting for that same desire with the two little kids.  I keep telling myself that I would be putting them in school unless I felt 100% God wanted me to. 

Well, it has happened.  I feel God tugging on my heart and telling me that they are my number one ministry.  I need to give my very best to them and I need school them at home.  It seems very interesting that this is what God wants again.  Here I am working at a job I love and god is calling me to homeschool.  I was not sure what this meant for me until the other day.  I was talking to David and he begin to tell me how when the girls leave he will get up and do certain things for the kids.  This is great news for me seeing to how I'm not a morning person.  Without knowing what was going on in heart he begin to tell me how things would work out.  I love when that happens.

It seems so interesting that God wants me to school my kids.  I look around even in our church and see teachers that have gone to school to do what God is calling me to do.  I feel so inadequate.  I can not believe that God feels that I'm able to do this again.  I am relying on God to equip me because without Him I will not be able to do this. 

Resurrection Cookies

Yes I know that Easter is over and that I'm very behind with my posts but that is ok with me.  I wanted to get this up and get the pictures up at the same time hince the lateness. 

We had a great Easter.  I actually got to spend some really great time with the kids talking about Easter.

On Easter morning we had talked about it so much that when I would ask Darius what Easter was about he would say "Jesus died on the cross and Jesus rose from the grave".  Oh, I was so proud. On Sunday morning during the service Barry begins to talk about the tomb, and Darius looks at me and says (not in a whisper)  MOM THE TOMB WAS EMPTY!  I was still proud but a little embarassed.  It's all right though he got it.

On Easter Eve :)  We made these cookies and did these reading exactly as it is here.  The kids had fun and so did we.

You will need:

1 cup whole pecans
1 tsp. vinegar
3 egg whites
pinch of salt
1 cup sugar
1 ziploc bag
wooden spoon
scotch tape
Bible
electric mixer
baking sheet
waxed paper

Preheat oven to 300 degrees. This is important — don't wait until you're done preparing everything else.

Place the pecans in a ziploc bag and let the children beat them with the spoon until they are in small pieces (you could have more than one bag and spoon for each of your children and just split the nuts between the bags). Explain that after Jesus was arrested, he was beaten by Roman soldiers. Read John 19:1-3.

Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp. of vinegar in the mixing bowl.Explain that when Jesus was on the cross, He was thirsty and the soldiers gave him vinegar to drink. Read John 19:28-30.

                                                                     










   (No we did not let her drink it)
Add egg whites to the vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave his life for us. Read John 10:10-11.

Sprinkle a little salt into each child's hand. Let them taste the salt and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears that Jesus' followers shed and the bitterness of our own sin. Read Luke 23:27.

So far, the ingredients aren't very appetizing. Add one cup of sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died for us because he loves us. He wants us to know and belong to him. Read Psalm 34:8 and John 3:16.

Beat the ingredients on high speed for 12-15 minutes until stiff peaks form.Explain that the color white represents purity in God's eyes of those whose sins are cleansed by Jesus. Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3.





























Fold in the broken nuts, and drop by rounded teaspoons onto waxed paper covered baking sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus was buried. Read Matthew 27:57-60.















Put the cookie sheet in the oven and turn the oven OFF.

Give each child a piece of tape to seal the oven door shut. Explain that the tomb of Jesus was sealed. Read Matthew 27:65-66.






GO TO BED! Explain that they may be sad to leave the cookies in the oven over night. Jesus' followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed. Read John 16:20 and 22.

On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The Resurrection cookies are hollow! On the first day of Easter, Jesus' followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty. Jesus has risen! Read Matthew 28:1-9.

(The cookies came out good but Easter morning was crazy and no pictures got taken)  

Things I love

Things I love more than life....

My husband

Kristie Lynn

Jelissa Ann

Lakeisha Joy

Darius Leon

Cynthia Alice 

but most of all I love the Lord.  He has given me the best life ever.  I have not been able to always say that but I can now.  I love my life.  I love my job and even though I have a cold right now I'm so grateful for all that God has given me.  Thank you Lord for turning such black ugly ashes into beauty....you are amazing.

What I said is really what I meant~~

It's interesting enough that sometimes people just don't get it.  

Yes, I realize that you have your own life that has it's own life going on with it's own problem.  However, just for the record, when I tell you that I care for you, it's true.  Yes, I know you're busy but a friendly smile and acknowledgement that someone outside your bubble cares for you is all I ask.  When I said that I cared...just for the record I meant it!!!  So there.    

Sometimes we get so rapped up in our lives that we forget that we don't live on this earth all by ourselves.  We are one body, lets start acting like it.  I can't do it all and guess what either can you.  

Just Monica telling what's on Monica mind.  

Goodnight

A new day a new experience

It has been a interesting day.  I have to tell you that many tears have come up and I have been thinking about my decision all day.  So what is it that I'm talking about??????

I sent my kids to daycare today.  Yes, it's only 1 day a week.  Yes, it's a family from the church.  Yes, Darius and Cynthia had a great time, but that did not make it any easier.  I keep telling myself that it's just for a trial bases.   As of right now they are suppose to go back next Monday.

So did they have a great time?  Yes.  Did they behave themselves?  Yes.  Did they enjoy playing with the families own 10 kids?  Yes.  It was like going to candy store for kids.  There were toys everywhere, horses outside, baby chickens, rabbits, play ground, a swimming pool and much much more.  There was not a ton of breakable stuff everywhere.  It was one of the most kid friendly place I've ever taken my kids.  They have a bus (since they have so many kids) so Darius got to do the thing he wanted most of all.... ride on that bus.

Yes, they had fun.  Yes, they were safe.  Yes, it's still a trial bases.

Darius 3years old-Cutest boy

Cynthia 21 Months-Sweetest little Girl

Easter Egg Hunt

The Easter Egg Hunt went better than I would have anticipated.  Darius had a great time.  Cynthia ended up showing up later with her dad, he got called in to work.  Here are some pictures from the day.  We had a really good day just being with the family.