Friday, November 8, 2013

Oh boy or girl.

The rambling of a soon to be grandmother......this may make no sense to anyone but me ever but I needed to get it down so that one day I could look back and see how far I'd come.


Almost 2 months ago I got the new that I was going to be a grandma.  
What does a mom who does not have any son-in-laws do with this information.

To say that I was devastated would not have even begin to cover how I felt.  I could not get past the "How could this have happened"
Now being a mother of 6 I knew exactly how it happens.....the sperm swims and finds the eggs......... Yes, I saw "Look Whose Talking in 1989" I think Im showing my age now.  Oh well!

Anyway there were many nights I could not sleep.  I cried myself to sleep.  I had to stop and figure out what all the crying was about.  I literally felt a lost that I had not felt in a very long time in my life.  

As I talked to my other kids.  They could not understand my grief.  They did not understand my anger.  They did not understand why I was still having such a hard time.  

On many occasions my words confused them.  I spoke about my loss.  How I had felt she had stolen from me something I was looking forward to, being a grandmother, and covered it with Sin.  The sin of premarital sex.  
They could not understand how I spoke of loss instead of excitement.  
They could not understand the loss of baby showers due to the loss of celebration of pregnancy.  
They could not understand that I spoke of how her Dad and I felt as if we sinned because of having to go to the church, because WE were in leadership, and telling them about what had happened.  The shame we felt is something they would not understand unless experienced I believe.  

Where I needed understanding from my kids I found more resistance and at times arguments that lead to more hurt.  Where I needed a mom it's going to be ok, I felt I got mom you're not ok.  

Yes this post seems a lot about me.  This really is what its about the internal battle that was going on.  I had to immediately the next day begin to deal with a situation I did not want to deal with.   Less then 12 hours later I was taking my daughter to the Dr because she was very sick.  As everyone continued to discuss what meds she could and could not take I sat in my chair and cried.  I wiped the tears as they slowly ran down my face as I watch my little girl enter into a life I never dreamed for her.  

Oh the tears came and they just seem to not want to stop.  I wiped the water from my face for the dreams I know would never happen for her, for this baby as he or she was now going to be raised by a single parent because dad wanted nothing to do with you at least right now.  The tears came as I remember the hard nights I had.  The tears came as I wondered why God allowed the curse/the generational curse of poor decisions not to be broken even though she had much more than I had and I had tried everything in my power everyday of her life to change this curse.  

I never had the mother who told me to wait until marriage, that following after God's way was best, I never had the mom who supported me and told me I could do anything with God's help.  I did not have a dad or a step dad who loved me with all that he was and would be there for me no matter what.  

The water fell from my eyes because I did not understand why she would make this choice after see how hard it had been for so many years for her own momma.  

But she did.  Not because she did not know better.  Not because she had not guidance.  No because she has freedom of choice.  the choice to make her own decisions away from her momma.   

Isn't this how God set it up.  We all have to do it.  We all have to make the decision at some point.  We all have to make our own choices.  We are all going to mess up.  We all sin.  I made a ton of mistakes.  I still make more everyday then anyone should.  I am always having to come back and say I'm sorry please forgive me.  Oh how I hope I learn something from all these mess ups.  Boy I hope she does too.  
Now she has a choice.  Just like I did.  Who will she choose?  Who will she follow?  Will she change her ways?  Has she learned?  Only time will tell.  

On November 27 I will find out if she is having a girl or a boy.  After many tears and much anger I have finally moving to a different place.......not sure where that is yet just know just glad I'm moving forward.

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