Thursday, February 18, 2010

Ups and Downs of Motherhood

As I'm writing this both my kids are laying down for a nap and the house very quiet.  As many of you know I have been struggling in the area of good mommy.  I have been very short with my kiddo's lately and guilt is the new emotion that I feel regular the past few weeks.  

I'm struggling with work, kids, hubby, and the balance of all of them.  I have not voice it much but the struggle is there.  I love my job, I love my kids, and I really love my adorable husband.  The problem for me has been balancing them all.  I love bring my kids to work with me, but at the end of the day I'm pulling my hair out, snapping and yelling at them like its there fault....when it's not, it's mine.  By the time I get home its dinner and hubby time (which nutritional food and quality with David have definitely been lacking).  I'm tired all the time, and  seem to be complaining to my husband daily about it. 
Well, my husband being the wise man he is tells me that we need to find someone to watch the kids at least one day a week so that I can be focused at work and relieve some stress that comes from the kiddos being there.  Sounds good huh....I thought so too.  

I began the search for someone to watch the kids on Monday's for me.  What I really wanted was to find a homeschooler who could come to the church from 9:30 to 2:30.  This would give me plenty of time to get some major things done at work.  
I found someone at the church who said that they would be willing to watch the kids for me but not at the church at their house.  I should be having a party, thanking God for His provisions of this person, saying problem solved......nope, I'm instead laying awake at night dreading taking my kids to what I know is childcare.  
David has informed me that it is not daycare but more like babysitting. :)  Thanks honey

Guilt.....I never put my older kids in daycare.  One among many reasons for homeschooling is so that I could be with my kids.  I hate that I can not get it together to be able to keep my kids at work with me all the time.  
I want them there.  I want to be with them.  But they deserve a happy mommy not the one they get around 3 pm when they come to work with me.  
Until next time....

Prayer:  My prayer is for sanity, and good decision making.

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